


Dear Iwa-chan,

by yoruuu_77



Series: He wrote, "My dearest Iwa-chan" with the comma between dearest and my name. [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Depressed Oikawa Tooru, Depression, F/M, Haikyuu Angst Week 2020, Hamilton References, Heavy Angst, How Do I Tag, I promise, Inspired by Hamilton, Letters, M/M, Minor Kuroo Tetsurou/Oikawa Tooru, My First AO3 Post, One Shot, SUPER MINOR AND BRIEF, Sacrifice, This Is Sad, Unrequited Love, please take care of me, this is my first time posting something, uwu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-20
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:47:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25913839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yoruuu_77/pseuds/yoruuu_77
Summary: Dear Iwa-chan,This is the story of how you killed me.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Original Female Character(s)
Series: He wrote, "My dearest Iwa-chan" with the comma between dearest and my name. [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1887346
Comments: 15
Kudos: 84
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	Dear Iwa-chan,

**Author's Note:**

> HI! 
> 
> So, um, this is my first fic and I decided to make a one shot. This is heavily referenced in Hamilton. I actually think I put too much Hamilton lyrics here, I is so sorry. 
> 
> This was originally inspired by the song Satisfied from Hamilton, but there are actually some parts from Congratulations too. But it's not what you think. Seriously. And um, PLEASE TAKE CARE OF ME. I might post this in Wattpad, too. If you want to leave a vote there, then [here's my acc](https://www.wattpad.com/user/yoruuu_77). uwu. 
> 
> If this actually gets good feedback I might make a chaptered book 2 but for now, *shrugs*
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys enjoy my first fic like how I enjoyed writing it!

The smell of rot fills the room. His eyes widen in horror as the limp body stays there, afloat. It stays still, skin pale white. In the corner of the room, an envelope is held down by a book, a journal. He recognizes it as Oikawa's. With tears blurring his vision, he crosses the room, steps fast, and breathing quick. When he arrives, he barely holds back his gasp. His are ears ringing and his heart is beating erratically. He turns the envelope, notices a few letters are at the back and thinks it's a note from him before he reads the rest of the letter. He halts. Because at the words written in Oikawa's fancy cursive handwriting, Iwaizumi feels every fiber and nerve in his body freeze.

_Dear Iwa-chan,_

_This is the story of how you killed me._

* * *

_Ouch._

That is his first thought as he wakes up, body numb from laying down God knows how long. He lets his eyes stay closed, feeling the unfamiliar bed he was on. He smells alcohol and figures he's at the hospital. But why? And then he remembers.

_Tooru. The envelope._

His eyes snap open and he sits up, his body moving in lightning speed. He whips his head and sees the small brunette at his side, sleeping with her head down. He sighs at the familiar head of the person. He blearily blinks his eyes. His limbs are aching, his stomach is rumbling, his hair is oily, and his skin is cold. He sees the envelope on the desk beside his bed and he turns to look at them. His heart hurts.

_Dear Iwa-chan,_

_This is the story o-_

He can't help turning away, stopping himself from reading. He turns to look at the envelope that seems to burn his eyes, and tears prickle at his eyes. He starts to reach over them, but he stops. His hand starts shaking and he realizes it's not just his hand. And he can't stop.

**Because Oikawa Tooru killed himself because of Iwaizumi Hajime.**

It makes his stomach churn and he suddenly has the urge to vomit even with an empty stomach. He turns back, feeling the need to read it. He needs to know why. What did he do to drive one of the people he cares about the most to kill themselves?

He takes the pile from his side and sits himself upright, exhaling loudly. He reads the first words, his chest tightening and teeth gritting as he continues.

_Dear Iwa-chan,_

_When you're reading this, then I may be dead already. But that's alright! Just make sure you treat my sister well or else I'll be haunting you in your dreams forever. And I'm very serious, Iwa-chan! I heard you're getting married after college and I'm so happy for both of you. I really am._

_That doesn't mean it wipes the tears and years away, but I really mean it. Even if it hurts me to death. I'm laughing now because that's pretty ironic considering how I just killed myself._

_Remember how we first met, Iwa-chan? I remember that night, I just might have remembered that night for the rest of my days. I remember the dirt on the ground, digging on my nails and smudged on my face. I remember that dream-like moonlight like a scene from a movie I saw my mom watching. And I was really lonely at that time, crouching on the ground and playing with the dirt in the forest outside our houses. But Iwaizumi, I'll never forget the first time I saw your face. I had never been the same. Intense emerald eyes in a young buff frame. And when you said "Hi", did you know I forgot to breathe for a second? You went up to me and asked me why I was alone. I told you it's because I didn't know anyone and that I just moved from Tokyo. You said you were like me, that you had no friends yet too. I remember doubting you for a second because who wouldn't be friends with you? We said each other's names and then you suddenly declared yourself as my first friend in Miyagi. I was really happy that time. And then I would rant about aliens and you would rant about bugs and then you watched Godzilla for the first and you wouldn't shut up about it for months even after watching it hundreds of times. But I guess I understand since I make you watch a lot of alien documentaries too._

_We were in our 1st year in middle school when I noticed something that only happens when I'm around you. I would always get nervous when you looked me in the eye, our casual hand-holding felt more intimate to me, and I find you so hot._

_"Why?" was my first thought, I knew I wasn't exactly straight that time but I didn't expect to feel those things for you. And then in our 3rd year, Tobio came. I realized after feeling the jealousy rise in me while watching you smiled fondly at him and ruffling his hair that, well, I liked you. I really liked you._

_Then the incident happened. The headbutt happened. I want to thank you for that. I already did but this is different. I'm not thanking you for stopping me almost hitting Tobio. Well, I was, but I already apologized about that. I want to thank you for stopping me from losing faith in myself. At that time, I was so sure. I loved you. I loved you so much. When I said I felt invincible, that was because I knew you were going to be in my life for the rest of my life, and that really made me feel invincible. Funny since I didn't really get to live the rest of my life._

_But really. If not for those things you said, I might have spiraled into depression or something and I really don't want that. Well, I still did but at least it was in college and I had my own apartment._

_Do you remember that fistbump we did that night at the end of our last match in high school? I really wished I kissed you back then. But now I'm glad I didn't. Because my twin, Hana, came back from studying in Hirosaki with my aunt, uncle, and cousin. We all studied at the same university in Tokyo. And you fell in love at first sight. And you both looked so helpless for each other that the hollow hole in my chest only grew._

_It was then that I realized, did I really have a chance from the start? No. You weren't even gay. You're straight. Wow, that's weird to write. I've loved you all this time, and at the back of my mind, I've always hoped that maybe. Just maybe. You weren't straight too. That you were gay. Or, at least, bi. God, I was so naive back. I thought you were right there beside me, but now, I watch as you ask for the hand of my sister and I think. That I know my sister like I know my own mind, even if we were separated. I remember the late-night calls we made, the tears, the rants and frustrations, the deep talks we had, the advice we gave to each other. And you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. Or beautiful. And here I am, the annoying, over-confident brat that thinks has a chance with you. How pathetic._

_You know, when I first saw the heart eyes you gave each other, I realized two things, two truths. One, I'm a guy in a secluded, narrow-minded world in which my only choice is to marry girls. My father has high expectations so I'm the one who has to social climb. You know why? He says "Because you're the oldest and the wittiest and the gossip in Tokyo is insidious." And you had a penis but not many pennies. That doesn't mean I wanted you any less, though._

_And second, I know my sister like I know my own mind, you will never find anyone as trusting or as kind. If I told her that I love you, she'd be silently resigned, but you still won't be mine. And she would say she fine, but she would be lying. But then, I noticed that when I fantasized at night it's always your piercing green eyes. And I romanticize what might have been if my sister and you were not straight. Where you could be mine._

_One thought always kept me grounded with my decision thought. It was that, at least, my dear Hana is yours. Not some bitchy two-faced plastic. And you know what else. I told myself that at least, I keep that green piercing gaze that seems to look into my soul in my life. And that was enough. Well, I thought._

_And I watch as your relationship with Hana blossom like flowers. I realized that I was the gardener that put you two there. Instead of keeping your flower to myself, I planted you with my sister. I gave you to her and I was the gardener that can only water you and watch you from afar while you two blossomed together. Beautifully. And while taking care of your flowers, I couldn't fill the hollow feeling in my chest, couldn't wipe away the tears, couldn't just move on. I took care of your flowers, and the price was my own flower. I wasn't happy anymore. All I did was just live on through every day. I couldn't even call it living, because I could feel myself lose the will to live, losing the will to gasp for air. And then I met Kuroo and Kenma again. Remember when I said I lived in Tokyo for a while and had two friends before I left? It was them. Guess why Kuroo and I dated? We didn't love each other, definitely not. That was just to make Kenma realize that he loved Kuroo. And no, it was not like in books where the two who pretend to date really end up together for real. Because we were loyal to the ones we loved. Kuroo was loyal to Kenma, and I to you. I was loyal to you even though you were loyal to my sister._

_And a million years ago you said "Can she be mine?", so I stood by. Do you know why? I love my sister more than anything in this life. I will and will always choose her happiness over mine anytime. Hana is the best thing in our lives. So don't forget the fact that you have been blessed with an angel as a wife. Swear to me, Hajime. Protect her, care for her, love her, and don't you even dare start thinking of trying to betray her. If you even think about it, I'll seriously jump out of my grave and hit you in the head with a volleyball just like you did when we were in high school. I promise you that, so promise me too. Stay by her side. She just lost her brother, she can't lose you too._

_I'm sorry I couldn't stay longer, I wish I could have at least graduated with you and Hana. But I knew this day would come, I just didn't expect it to be this soon. I wanted to stay and watch you have kids with Hana, have a family. And then I'd be an uncle, that would be cool, I guess. But I couldn't anymore. At least, that's what the voices said. I can't ruin your lives because of my selfishness. You can't be mine, but my life was yours. And you didn't know. I thought I could be satisfied with that but, well, I guess I just thought that. I may be never satisfied, but you, Hajime. Live a life you won't regret. I may have killed myself because you didn't love me, but that's alright. Promise me, you'll have a happy life with my sister. With you're bride. PROMISE ME. I may be gone now, but that doesn't mean your love for my sister should be too. I love you, Hajime. God, I wish I could have at least told you that in your face once. But I was too weak. I took the easy way out of my suffering. But you aren't weak, Hajime. Because you're strong, so so strong. And I know you'll be with my sister for the rest of your life. And I promise that if heaven accepts, I'll watch over the two of you forever. Because I am your gardener, and you're my flowers. That fact will never change. My flower was long gone now, it's died, wilted and part of the dirt on the ground now. Just like where I was when we first met and stepped over unconsciously. Just like always. But this time, I can rain on you guys, cast sunshine. And I'll be really happy now. Because maybe here, that hollow feeling in my chest will be gone._

_Thank you, Hajime. For being you. I love you. God, I love you so so much._

_You know, we might not meet on the other side. I might be down there. But I hope to be up there. So that when the right time comes, I can see you guys here on the other side. And it'll be the three of us again. But for now, you two be there for each, yeah?_

_I loved you yesterday, I love you today and I will keep on loving you from the other side. But for now, I will have to say this;_

_Sayonara._

_With all the longing I had for you,_

_Oikawa Tooru_

And as tears fall from Hajime's face, the petals of the wilted rose on the side of his bed falls in time as the cherry blossom petals that fall outside. And Hajime thinks a thousand springs later, that _maybe_ , he did love Tooru, too. And that his naivety really did kill him. Because Tooru wasn't just a flower. No, he was something much _much_ more than that.

"Papa?" a small voice asks from his side, and he turns from the stove to look down at the little boy below. He smiles fondly, before crouching down and ruffling and messing up his hair.

"Yes, Tooru?" He waits for the boy to finish fixing his hair with a whine and a pout and Hajime frowns slightly at the familiarity

"Can we have milk bread for dessert?" He asks excitedly, eyes sparkling like stars

"'Course, bud" Hajime ignores the pang in his chest and instead, chooses to press a soft kiss on his son's forehead and going back to cooking lunch that was almost ready.

"You can buy some with your mom from the store down the street. She's going there to pick up some things right now, anyway."

"Okay! Thanks, Papa!" He hears the answer behind him, followed by running footsteps. He hears steps going down the stairs and he concludes that it's his wife. He hears a boy's and woman's voice in the living room and then he hears a lot of jumping, no doubt coming from the little boy in the room.

"Hajime-kun, we're going out real quick!" He hears Hana's voice and he gives her a grunt of approval. He hears giggles and he rolls his eyes, knowing they're laughing at his lack of words.

Once he hears the door close, he covers the food he's making with the lid and releases a big sigh, hand grabbing something from the back pocket in his pants. He feels the gloss of the photograph and pulls it out, staring right into his brown eyes. He wishes he can hear his laugh, again. Wonders, _has it always been this silent?_ And then he feels that sudden exhaustion and guilt again because there was one thing the boy in the picture was and always will be to him. Maybe, he loved Tooru, maybe he didn't. But there was one thing he knew.

He was his galaxy. 

**Author's Note:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING!!
> 
> Also! You guys can follow me in twitter if you'd like! I'm [@its_yoruuu77](https://twitter.com/its_yoruuu77)! We can be moots if you want and don't worry, I follow back! We can also interact cuz uh, yeah. I'm an awkward potato tho, so sorry if you find me boring.


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